Cowboys shock undefeated 49ers, Rams upset unbeaten Eagles as both 4-0 teams go down

Welcome to the Week 5 picks! At least I think this is the Week 5 picks. To be honest, I’m not sure if we’re even doing picks anymore. Now that Taylor Swift has taken over the NFL, picks don’t matter, the only thing that matters is Taylor.

The Chiefs are now 2-0 when Taylor shows up at one of their games, but more importantly, I am now 2-0 picking the Chiefs when Taylor shows up at one of their games. The only thing more impressive than that streak is that I’m 1-0 when Jake From State Farm randomly shows up at an NFL game.

Jake from State Farm in the building for the Eagles vs. Commanders game. pic.twitter.com/QVOKLTAczG

— FOX Sports: NFL (@NFLonFOX) October 1, 2023
I have no idea why he was sitting next to Donna Kelce. Also, I think I can read Donna Kelce’s face there and I’m pretty sure it’s saying, “This is so awkward. I don’t even use State Farm. Where is Taylor? I miss her.”

OK, that’s enough talking about Taylor, let’s get to the Week 5 picks.

Actually, before we get to the picks, here’s a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here, but you don’t need to click over this week, because we have more important things to go over right now, like why you should sign up for the Pick Six newsletter that we have here at CBSSports.com.

Based on my unscientific research, I’ve found that roughly 57% of the people who read this picks column wish they could get an email from me every day. Well, YOU CAN. I write the Pick Six newsletter and it comes out every week day. If you want it sent to your inbox, all you have to do is click here and subscribe. Once you sign up, you’ll start getting one email per day where I’ll be touching on every NFL-related topic I can think of and even ones that I can’t think of. If you’re wondering how that’s possible, you’ll have to subscribe.

Alright, I’m going to stop with the self-promotion so we can actually get to the picks.

NFL Week 5 picks
Chicago (0-4) at Washington (2-2)
Thursday, 8:15 p.m. ET (Amazon Prime Video)

It took five weeks, but we have officially hit the part of the Thursday night schedule where the games are so bad that there’s a 40% chance that Al Michaels will retire before kickoff just so he doesn’t have to call the game.

When Michaels doesn’t like an upcoming game that he has to announce, he doesn’t even try to hide it. As a matter of fact, let’s listen to Al as he tried to get the country pumped up for this Thursday’s game.

Al Michaels doesn’t have a whole lot to say on the Bears-Commanders Thursday Night Football promo. #TNF 🏈📺 pic.twitter.com/eMd101dTdJ

— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) September 29, 2023
Was it just me, or did Al Michaels not sound enthused about #TNF Bears-Commies Pt. 2?

— David Kroening (@Khrome61) September 29, 2023
It is not just you David, but in Al’s defense, I don’t think anyone is really feeling enthused for this game. There’s no reason for Bears fans to watch because it will just be four quarters of torture and there’s no reason for Commanders fans to watch because then that means you also have to watch the Bears play for three hours, which doesn’t seem worth it.

Amazon needs to re-think how they market this game. If they want more than seven viewers, they definitely need to announce RIGHT NOW that they’ll be loading a five dollar gift card into everyone’s Amazon account every time a touchdown gets scored on Thursday. That would actually be a win-win. Amazon would get huge ratings because people would want the free money and Amazon could potentially win again because there’s a 50% chance that there would be no touchdowns scored. I mean, this is the Bears and Commanders.

The Bears have given up the second-most passing yards in the NFC through four weeks and I don’t see them getting much better at stopping the pass between now and Thursday, so I’m going to have to take the Commanders.

The pick: Commanders 27-20 over Bears.

Tennessee (2-2) at Indianapolis (2-2)
1 p.m. ET (CBS, Paramount+)

I’ll be honest here, I don’t even want to pick this game and that’s mainly because I’ve whiffed on every Titans game I’ve picked this season. There are 32 teams in the NFL and through four weeks, there is only one team that I’ve gone 0-4 picking, and yup, you guessed it, that team is the Titans.

I LIVE IN NASHVILLE, I WATCH MORE TITANS FOOTBALL THAN ANYONE BESIDES MIKE VRABEL AND I STILL SOMEHOW CANNOT FIGURE THIS TEAM OUT. I’ve picked them to win twice and they lost both times. I’ve picked them to lose twice and they ended up winning both times. This is maddening. This is clearly a sign that I need to move out of Nashville, I’ll be talking to my wife tonight.

So how have I botched this up so badly? Glad you asked.

In Week 1, I thought for sure that the Titans would win in New Orleans, but then Ryan Tannehill decided to play the worst game of his life. He threw three interceptions, and even with that, they still only lost by one (16-15) to the Saints. I’m still bitter about.

In Week 2, I was going to pick the Titans to beat the Chargers, but Ryan Tannehill played so badly in Week 1 that I talked myself out of it. I literally wrote, “I think Tennesee could pull off the upset, but in the end, I think this game will turn into a repeat of Week 1 for Tennessee where everyone but Tannehill plays well enough to win.” I ended up picking the Chargers to win by three in a game that Tennessee would win by three (27-24).

After watching Tannehill bounce back in Week 2, I thought to myself, “Man, if he plays like that in Week 3, they might be able to beat the Browns,” so I picked them to beat the Browns. Not only did they not beat the Browns, but they got destroyed 27-3.

In Week 4, I picked the Bengals because I’m a Bengals homer, but also because I thought Cincinnati’s defense would give Tannehill fits and that Cincinnati would win a low-scoring game. In the end, the Bengals defense did not give Tannehill fits. As matter of fact, the only fit right now is the one I’m throwing because I’m 0-4 with my Titans picks.

I’m placing 100% of the blame for my 0-4 record on Ryan Tannehill. You never know if he’s going to show up and even if he does show up, you don’t know if he’s going to play like Ryan Leaf, Matt Ryan, Ryan Lindley, Ryan Fitzpatrick or another Ryan that I can’t think of right now. I now know why Titans fans are so frustrated with him. The Titans could literally beat the 49ers one week and then lose to the Bears by 41 the next week and no one would be surprised.

So what am I going to do this week? I have no choice: I’m picking the Titans to win. If there’s one thing I do trust about the Titans every week, it’s Mike Vrabel’s ability to create a good defesive game plan. If you add in the fact that Tennessee gets to play against a rookie quarterback this week, that seems like a major advantage for the Titans.

The only way this will blow up in my face if Ryan Tannehill plays the worst game of his life. And based on my first four Titans’ picks this year, there’s a 71% chance that happens. I swear to Dolly Parton that I will stop making Titans picks if I whiff on their game this week.

The pick: Titans 20-17 over Colts.

Since I’m 0-4 picking Titans’ game this season, I won’t blame you if you want to check out someone else’s pick for this game, and if you do that, I’d definitely click here to check out the SportsLine Model, which is leaning Under on the total, and it also says one side of the spread has better value! You definitely need to see it before locking in your own picks.